Triggers. Man. They can be well...triggering.
I will never forget this day. I was home from the hospital for maybe a few weeks. My twin was visiting to help with my recovery after enduring the hardest month of my life. I walked into our bedroom to look for something. What? I don’t remember. I opened my husband's dresser drawer. I noticed one of those hospital personal belonging bags.
I opened it and found some of the things I had packed for my delivery. One airpod as the other was lost in the chaos of trying to save mine and my daughter’s life. My cell phone charger. I kept digging.
The thing I found next left a massive pit in my stomach.
A sandwich bag full of essential oils. I thoughtfully bought, for my labor. You see, I did not remember I had bought those until that moment. It is a very strange feeling to have amnesia. To not remember something until it becomes a trigger.
I sat on my bed crying. My twin walked in not really understanding what was happening. I tried to explain why I was upset. She tried to comfort me the best she could but did not make me feel better. I walked out into the living room, still crying, and fell into my husband’s arms. He just hugged me.
That is exactly what I needed.
I can’t quite remember what happened next. If I put the oils away, asked some else too, or if I threw those oils away. But I needed to hold space and grieve that I don’t remember using those oils in my labor. I needed to grieve that I did not get my “redemptive” birth. I never will.
The light is I no longer find essential oils triggering. I can’t quite remember how long it was but I eventually started using oils again. Now I love them again! I also now view that memory differently. I’m thankful for the reminder. I am still sad I never got my redemptive birth and I never will, but I have learned how to live with that grief and move forward.
My hope is you will too.